The true story of how I met MR. RIGHT.

Page one

Top row

single frame

Girl talking directly to audience.

Girl: I've always had boy problems. Looking at it now, I was just dating the same guy over and over again. It all started in high school when I asked my first boyfriend, Josh, to grow up.

The next two rows, we have six profiles of guys. They should have basically the same outlines with minor changes, like it's the same guy six different times.

2nd row

first frame: Profile of 80's rocker.

Caption: two weeks later

Boy: ..And I want my Ghostrider and my Megadeath CD back!

second frame: Profile of guy in button up with ponytail

Caption: And the end of senior year...

Boy: And I want my Plato and my Mozart CD back!

third frame: Profile of guy in glasses, goatee, and beret

Caption: Art school wasn't any better

Boy: And I want my Thomas Pychon and my Klaus Nomi CD back!

3rd row

first frame: Profile of spiky-haired Goth with piercing and fishnet

Caption: I was going insane.

Boy: And I want my Poppy Z. Brite and my Christian Death CD back!

second frame: Profile of raver looking guy

Caption: Nothing was working out.

Boy: And I want my Peter Carroll and my Juno Reactor CD back!

third frame: Profile of rennie geek

Caption: I didn't know what to do.

Boy: And I want my Starhawk and my Enya CD back!

4th row

single frame: A coffee shop of some sort, there are a lot of people in black drinking coffee. Our girl is sitting at one table with coffee-cup raised. She's seated across from a blonde woman in a bob-cut and leather jacket. The blonde is smoking and there's an ashtray full of butts on the table. The blonde has a hard, mean look to her. Her eyes are heavily done up and she has dark lips and dark, long nails. She talks off-handedly with eyes shut.

Caption: So I went to see my friend Beatrice at one of those coffee shops.

Beatrice: Why don't you just become a lesbian?

Page two

Top row

first frame: Our girl is listening to Beatrice smoke and talk.

Caption: Beatrice was telling me about her latest project.

Beatrice: So we feed a guy his weight in muscle relaxants...

second frame: Beatrice in the foreground talking, over her shoulder is a dead guy propped into a corner booth.

Caption: I noticed this guy staring at me. There was something different about him. I had to meet him.

Beatrice: Then we got a dwarf with a lubricated head...

2nd row

first frame: Our girl is getting up from the table.

Girl: Excuse me, Beatrice.

Beatrice: Huh?

second frame: Our girl has approached the dead guy.

Girl: Is anyone sitting here?

third frame: Head and shoulders shot of our girl looking ecstatic.

Girl: No? Great!

3rd row

first frame: Our girl sitting at the booth with the dead guy.

Caption: We talked for what felt like hours.

Second frame: The caption breaks into two parts here. You've got the dead guy and our girl talking in the foreground with Beatrice looking over her shoulder and looking ticced in the background. The part that reads "Plus he was a great listener" should be directly over Beatrice's head.

Caption: He was different. I felt I could be myself around him. He didn't expect anything of me and wouldnít force me into doing anything. Plus, he was a great listener.

Girl: Really? You too?

4th row

first frame: The dead guy and our girl looking happy together (as happy as a dead guy can be) with Beatrice leaning in to say something.

Caption: Of course, there were a few problems...

Beatrice: Thank god I smoke. He smells like goddamned G.G.Allen!

second frame: A guy holding a bottle of formaldehyde. It should say that on the bottle in big letters: "formaldehyde". The bottle can be big. I don't care what the guy looks like. Maybe a mortician or something--whatever they look like.

Caption: But Beatrice said she knew someone.

Page three

Top row

single frame. Our girl and the dead guy are at a Goth club. She's dressed in black and he's in a suit. They're surrounded by people in black or latex or corsets or whatever. We never see the dead guy's feet and our girl is usually got her hands on him somewhere--clinging to him or propping him up. They've been approached by someone in electricianís tape.

Caption: I took him to a favorite club of mine... This was in fact, a test of sorts.

Electricianís tape guy: nice dead look

2nd row

first frame: Our girl and the dead guy at a table.

Girl: I've been coming here since I was seventeen.

second frame: The backs of our girl and the dead guy with another girl standing in front of their table. She's wearing a black bra with mesh shirt over it. This girl talks to the dead guy.

Caption: Here was the test, Cindy the slut. Would he give in?

Cindy: Hey, wanna dance?

third frame: close-up on the dead guy's head.

Caption: There was a tense moment while the decision was made.

3rd row

first frame: Close up on our girl's head and shoulders. She's pissed.

Girl: He's with me.

second frame: This one's a little complicated. We've got Cindy facing one direction and then swiveling to face the other direction. It's an action shot! She speaks twice and she's the only person in the picture.

Cindy: He can make up his own mind!

Cindy again: Are you just going to sit here like a log or are you going to come out an this dance floor and show us what you're made of?

4th row

first frame: Head and shoulders shot of our girl.

Girl: Well? What's it going to be? Are you going to dance with this syphilitic whore or will you sit here with me and help me make fun of the masses?

second frame: Shot of dead guy. Maybe he's thinking. It's really hard to tell.

third frame: Our girl and the dead guy. Our girl is looking straight at the audience.

Girl: I guess I don't need to tell you what the final decision was...

Page four

Top row

single frame: Our girl and the dead guy are walking down the street. She's blissful, he's.. he's there.

Caption: There was one night in particular we were walking to the car...

2nd row

first frame: A crazed gunman has popped out of nowhere. His gun should be forced perspective and REALLY big.

Gunman: Guess what? It's stick-up time!

second frame: Our girl hides behind the dead guy with a look of horror. We can't tell if she's holding him up in front of her, or just hiding and holding on to someone she loves. Very iffy.

caption:† How would he react? Would he be scared? Would he try to stand up for us?

third frame: The gunman is looking upset and gesticulating with the gun.

Gunman: Let's have those wallets!

3rd row

first frame: Head and shoulders of dead guy, staring.

second frame: Gunman acting fidgety

Gunman: I don't like people staring at me. Tell him to stop!

third frame: Head and shoulders of dead guy, staring.

fourth frame: Gunman pointing with the gun

Gunman: Lady, you better tell your boyfriend to stop staring at me or else.

fifth frame: Head and shoulders of dead guy, staring.

4th row

first frame: Gunman is running away and has fired a couple shots. The dead guy is completely unfazed while our girl looks shocked.

Gunman: Take that you creep!

second frame: Our girl cozying up to the dead guy in a, ugh, "suggestive" fashion.

Girl: That was so brave. Wow, I've never had someone stand up for me like that. Let me take you home and show my...appreciation...

Page Five

Top row

single frame: Dead guy and our girl are in a tub together. It's a very romantic setting with flowers and candles and scented oils everywhere. She's behind him, scrubbing his back.

Caption: We took a long, romantic bath together and I washed his back. He didn't even get upset when I got soap in his eyes.

2nd row

first frame: Dead guy is in the bed with our girl getting in next to him. We can put her in a lacey nightgown to get it past the sensors--otherwise it's just gross.

Caption: I felt we were ready to take our relationship to the next level.

second frame: we can't really tell what's going on here. It's too dark. That's probably for the best.

Caption: He let me lead. I was the initiator, I was the aggressor. I could do anything I wanted to him. He trusted me completely.

third frame: Our girl lying relaxed on her pillow with dead guy next to her.

Caption: It was amazing.

3rd row

first frame: Close-up on our girl's head. She's got it resting in the silky pillow and her eyes are shut. We can assume she's asleep. Maybe one eye is a little open, like she's watching him.

Caption: We slept like babies. I dreamt about settling down with him. I needed someone like him in my life. Someone stable and constant.

second frame: Our girl waking up next to the dead guy

Caption: And when I woke up the next morning, he was still there.

4th row

single frame: Dead guy, our girl, and her parents around a huge dinner table. It's an impressive spread. The dead guy hasn't touched a bite of food on his plate.

Caption: I decided he should meet my parents.

Mother: Polite boy. Very quiet.

Father: Doesn't eat much.