From: onomasti@scn.org (ANON Faction)
Reply-To: onomasti@scn.org
To: mila18@hotmail.com
Subject: your postcard to the AutonomatriX
Date: Mon, 26 May 1997 22:44:34 -0700 (PDT)
just a short note to say we rcvd your p.c. here in Seattle, and it's truish Mila: most of us are on the west coast. let's start to change that, shall we? if you've web access visit the main hub at <http://www.sfo.com/~max/AX.html> or our site below, where you could always link to the ax. . . let us know you rcvd this.
http://www.scn.org/spiritual/onomasti


From: Mila
To: onomasti@scn.org
Subject: Re: your postcard to the AutonomatriX
Date: May 27, 1997
Yes, I got the e-mail. sorry it took so long to respond; we're on a token ring here at work and we burned out our server (tee hee!).
I'm trying to get people here originated(?) but it's like herding cats. The one guy who's actually read Peter Carroll is a 19-year-old speed freak and he CALLS himself a chaos magician--which is a little self-defeating. I think he does it because it sounds cool, but I'll admit to a few holes in my experience with and understanding of the subject--despite what I've read.
Anyone in Dallas is seems is either Wiccan or OTO and I've had just about enough of Enochian graph paper and the like. The closest we can get to a real meeting is everyone sitting around, drinking too much coffee, blowing cigarette smoke out their noses, and talking about "magical" experiences like a pack of gamers recounting their last campaign.
I haven't had what could be called a "mystical experience" but I have had things happen for me that seemed too good to be true. The most of a ritual I'll do is just WANT something to happen--and it will. I guess you could call that a ritual. I've been more of a theoretician the past four years just so I could follow along the symbology of everyone else's' recounts. My ritual work has been somewhat stunted by my own problems and any ritual I get involved with around here I either fall asleep or have trouble keeping a straight face.
And I don't get much understanding from the local pact o'mystics. I tried to explain the falling asleep thing and they went into this story about how Mathers said you should have pillows for when you are "seized by gnosis". They didn't understand I was just plain falling asleep.
And when I'm not bored out of my brain by their magic, I can't help from laughing. I just find the whole thing so....uh.....silly.
So I'm not looking for a guru, but I am looking for maybe someone who knows what's going on, or has a pretty firm idea in their head. everyone here is in a wasteland and if it ain't traditional, it ain't happening in their eyes.
Any information on who's in this area or what's going on might be the carrot I need to wave in front of these asses.


 From: Jason
To: Mila
Subject: Dallas Chaotes
Date: Thu, 29 May 1997 08:13:30 -0500
Hello Mila,
I am Jason, or Frater N.O., from the Dallas area, an initiate of the Autonomatrix. There are some interesting magicians in th'area towards which you haven't encountered, perhaps. The order I work with in Dallas is the Ordo Luciferis/Order of the Morning Star. In this group there are extremely experienced magicians, whom are all quite fun to hang out with, to boot. Also a few Satanists in there to make it interesting. Your message to the AutonomatriX was quite prejudiced sounding against Dallas Occultism. Yes, there are many Crowley-bot clones. Yes, there are silly Wiccan freaks who like it when people yell "Skyclad!" There are different ones, though, that aren't as apparent, perhaps.
The OTO there has banned me, the Wiccans raise eyebrows. Who's the speed-freak Chaote you're talking about? Hah! Maybe I know him. In any case, if you wish, contact Ashe. He is a close Frater of mine in Dallas.
I, by the way, left Dallas two months ago. For the next two years I'm working with some witchdoctors on an island about 1/2way between Japan and Australia. I'll probably be back in Dallas around Hallow's Eve to visit for th'holidays.
What are your interests? What is your experience? Where do you want to go? Explain your personality?
Regards,
Jason
Frater NO


From: Mila
To: Jason
Subject: Re: Dallas Chaotes
Date: May 29, 1997

Ahhh.....I probably sounded prejudiced because I haven't gotten to meet anyone who knows what they're doing. I'm trying to broaden who and what I know.
Personality? Uh, I drive obscene speeds, drink obnoxious amounts of coffee, eat red meat, kick dogs and children, sneer at old people, laugh and point at other people's misery, and blow cigarette smoke out my nose while making sarcastic remarks about the Catholic church. HA HA.
No, really. My parents are OLD and old world--they're first generation Canadians and I'm first generation American so all four grandparents made the boat ride. Yes, it was a boat ride then. Granddad Tokar fought in world war ONE and Grandma graduated from the university of Edinburgh with a master's in humanitarian arts in 1902. My dad was one of the original beat-niks in 1955 and a minor radio personality here in Dallas. Mom was a hippie in Vancouver when the big quake hit Alaska.
My folks sent me to Methodist pre-school and then public school in Oak Cliff. In forth grade (right after the cliques form) I was moved to Christ the King Catholic school (off Colgate and Preston--if that gives you any idea how a kid from Oak Cliff fared there). That went on for four miserable years untill I went to Arts Magnet majoring in theatre (no, I do NOT act).
Worked for Dallas Children's Theatre three years doing tech and teaching, worked for UPS six months as a clerk, worked for Bookstop on Lovers lane a year supervising the children's section, and now working at STREAM--along with everybody else.
The speed freak is an ex-meth addict named David Smith (no kiddin'!). I threw away his phone number, but I could get in contact with people who could get in contact with him. He's the one who got me interested in the whole thing.
I'll try calling Ashe. I think I might know him already or know someone who does. Somer Pyron I think. I think she introduced us once...but the name sounds familiar. He doesn't work at Stream does he? Jeasus, everyone does. Everyone you saw at: the Church, Scarbourgh Faire, A-kon, Ampguard, Denny's at three a.m...........
I'll try calling Ashe. Hope to hear back from you before you set sail.


From: Jason
To: Mila
Subject: Re: Dallas Chaotes
Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 09:05:07 -0500
Mila :
Indeed, I know Somer as well. You might even ask her about me. There's no telling what horror stories she may relate. ;)
I was, as you probably figured, forwarded your mail from the Anon Faction, via the AutonomatriX. Have you checked out their site? In any case, find a Gypsy Markarian who works at Stream. She's not there most of the time, because her back was accosted by some-such force of something or other. However, she is perhaps the most knowledgeable Chaote other than maybe Jason Barker (jasonb@kbi.com). All of these are people involved in the Order of the Morning Star. These people are not quite as silly as Somer appears, but they are more intriguing and serious about their arts, frequently taking on many projects.
In any case, I'm 24, myself. You may have seen me at the Church sometime, in the past, were that your hangout. I finally quit going after I became sick of the silly Goths who entertained constant thoughts of "I'm so depressed- I'm evil." They entertain aesthetic Satanic ideals in their silly depressions - but little do they realize how vigorously most Satanists are life-affirming, responsible, voracious folk!
In any case, I'll close for now.
Regards,
Jason
Frater N.O.


From: Mila
To: Jason
Subject: Re: Dallas Chaotes
Date: May 30, 1997
Yup, I know Gypsy. My fondest memory will be of her sitting on a black sheet of plastic in my living-room, painting herself with egg-whites while I was calming someone down on the phone. She broke a bottle in my bathroom and I found the pieces the next day (doing the owie dance--owie owie owie--and cleaning tweezers with my zippo).
Oh, Somer......


 From: Jason
To: Mila
Subject: Re: Dallas Chaotes
Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 19:01:59 +1000
Wow. You know Gypsy, and you know Somer... these two are very familiar with me. I'm surprised you've never heard my name! Gypsy lived with me for quite awhile.
In any case, Gypsy is both well-read and well-practiced. I'd suggest you ask her about chaoism!
Regards,
Jason
Frater NO *75/75*


From: Mila
To: Jason
Subject: Re: Dallas Chaotes
Date: May 30, 1997
Oh, yeah. I know Gypsy. Has anyone been able to get a hold of Shadow (Glenn)? H-less is back in town and trying to get a hold of him.
Hum. I think I may have heard your name from Somer. Say, do you know Lila Cotran? Sorry if that's a sensitive subject, but that's where the 19 year old Chaote is staying (sleeping?). He's the one who got me interested in the whole thing. Ah, actually I think both he and Gypsy are staying with Dave Mitchell.
The whole thing was I saw magic as a means of manipulating my subconscious. My entire consciousness is pretty fucked right now and I despise modern psychology. I'd like to understand myself before some-one knows more about me than I do. I can function for the most part as a normal human being, but there are a few trouble spots. That's one of the main reasons I don't practice.
Dave Smith (the 19er) pointed out the trouble spots and suggested some ways for me to work them out, but the relationship fell apart after two-weeks (go fig!) and the work I've done so far has resembled a sort of blind stumbling. I lack the vision that separation provides.
Satanists....hum. They've always been nice people but I'm not sure that's what I'm looking for. I dunno. How about "fun magic". To hell with sex magic, blood magic, and death magic. My temple guardian is a 10" G.I. Joe action figure and I skry in Jell-O (TM). HAR HAR HAR.


 From: Jason
To: Mila
Subject: Re: Dallas Chaotes
Date: Sat, 31 May 1997 09:02:22 +1000
LOL. Yeah, Lila and I dated for 3 years. I still love th'girl dearly and imprinted myself tirelessly on her for way way way too long. Her identity-capacity is too easily filled, methinks in retrospect, and my addiction to carnal camaraderie quite too intense. Hah! Anyhow, onto less reflective subjects..
 David Mitchell and I are like, th'best of friends. Can you tell Dave/Gypsy to call me when/if you get the chance? I'm at 011-1-670-322-0009. Thanks in advance if this can be done. I only know one Glen, who is from the Fort Worth area. If this is the same Glen, let me know and I can attempt at having him contact you.
 In any case, Satanic magic? What is Satanic Magic? Heh, they borrow from Chaotes in philosophy and take the seriousness of Hermetics in their spin. Quite drab and unoriginal in most cases.
 There are many approaches at exploring oneself. My suggestions would be, yes, to read Carroll's works [Liber Null/Psychonaut, Liber Chaos, Psybermagic] and Spare's work [search on A.O. Spare on the net, try for Anathema of Zos, Book of Pleasure, etc]. They provide somewhat of an understanding of mechanics, but I'd suggest not paying attention to the math. It doesn't add up & Carroll's #s in Quantum mechanics is way off.
These, though, don't provide a real starting point for delving deeper into th'psyche. What are your affinities & where do they drive you? The fundaments (anti-fundaments) of delving into the psyche can be found in many more traditional magics. The spins of chaos magic provide us abilities to use these at will. My personal take on it involves scourging the identity through sensory overload or emotional deprivation, forcing an honest look inward. When all "relational" parts of my identity are transcended & I feel the primal creative essence that can't be described through the pure energy of it, that is where I am. Other people, of course, have other views. Anyhow, if this is the line of your conversation & these are the speaks you wish to have, hopefully I can accommodate somewhat!
 Regards,
Jason


From: Jason
To: Mila
Subject: Re: Duh! and other bullshit.....
 Mila : I am familiar with the Church of Melba; and Dave's mother. She owes me a tarot reading, still! Heh.. Please tell Gypsy to mail me!!! I need to speak with th'girl. In any case,
 People have been telling me Lila has turned into a post-relationship nymphomaniac... Hell, she even hit on _me_, her ex-, whom she had sex with over 1200 times in a three year period. God, you'd think that'd be enough. Evidently not. It was a _bad bad bad_ breakup which ended with her oft threatening suicide amongst other things. I started dating a Christian, which really pissed her off, and I think that was 75% of th'reason I did it. Heh, Kevin ought understand, Lila isn't all that bright- and secondarily, she got together with him as a rebound from my breaking up with her.. But, that's neither here nor there. In any case, I'm glad to be removed from th'soap-opera.
David Mitchell & I are th'best of friends... We are blood-bonded in Nordic tradition. Please, if you see him, tell him Hello from Saipan when you see him next!! I miss him. Say th'same to Gypsy! I have neither of their email addresses and they neglect to write. I must come back to Dallas and evoke th'spamulous can of whomp-ass upon them all. I'll be back in town around October for a couple of weeks. Perhaps I'll meet you then...
 Farewell,
Jason


From: Mila
To: Jason
Subject: Woops! Not paranoid enough.
Date: June 11, 1997
So I'm sitting in Dan's Lakewood Cafe ( my home away from home) reading over all the chaos shit I've printed up--I keep it in a nice little 3-ring binder. When guess who walks in, but Dave and Lila. I had sent a post card to the IOT in Milwaukee and they wrote back describing initiation. Dave had been interested in the IOT and so I showed him the letter.
But then he reads the first page of OUR correspondence. (I shouldn't print anything at all. Let alone store everything in one place.) And little Dave got pretty bent out of shape over what he read. "I don't appreciate you talking shit about me to the IOT. I might have done that wen I was twelve." "Aw, but, Dave....It's not the IOT and I hadn't used your name in that..." Soap opera crap.
Okay. I'm a liar. I haven't called Ashe. I work 4pm-1am and run another business in the morning. My days off are spent sleeping. I worry about calling someone at 1 in the morning. I never know what anyone's schedule is. When I'm running around town working, I find it hard to call someone. Whip me, beat me, call me silly names..... I've been a bum about calling him.
I also don't know how I should start the conversation. "Um, hey, uh, Ashe. You don't know me, but Jason gave me your number, and I'm a friend of Somer's and I work at Stream--okay, so maybe you do know me--but I wanted to talk about chaos and all that and paradigm shifting and should I seek psychological help before I do this or will this help?" You know....something like that.
What precisely are you studying in Japan?


From: Jason
To: Mila
Subject: Re: Whoops! Not paranoid enough.
Date: Thu, 12 Jun 1997 16:03:21 -0500
I too would appreciate any correspondence we make limited to ourselves, save with Gypsy, Ashe, or the fanged - Dave Mitchell. Otherwise, Lila can act for or against my interests depending on the moon-phase, y'know?
 Anyhow, I'm Autonomatrix. And Ordo Luciferis. Not IOT at all, even though I like Carroll's works. Just finished his new book Psybermagick. Liked it a lot.. Advanced Chaos Magic stuff where the IOT spills all.
 I'm not in Japan, I'm in _Saipan_ - an island 1/2way between Japan and Australia. I'm a lead network engineer for the college here on contract for two years. On the personal side, I'm a chaotic tattooed magician with a diabolical yet silly demeanor. Heh, you know like tons of people that know me...
But any & everyhow, I'm studying the witchdoctors here, & picking up techniques. I'm trading western occultism for eastern. It's fun.
 So I can whip you, beat you, and call you silly names?
...sounds psych0er0tic, but in a flirtatious kind of way.
...Jason


From: Mila
To: Jason
Subject: Silly names.....ha ha ha
Date: June 12, 1997
Oh, now....it's not like Lila's going to be getting into my mail....uh, well, Dave did but...uh....oh screw it.
Gods, but I love Hotmail. It's all so beautifully web based and hidden away. Everything is stored on their big lovely servers, far away from the prying eyes here. As for the prying eyes elsewhere, they're far away enough to not be much of a bother, right? Right?
Apparently Gypsy's speaking to Dave S. again. I don't know of what they speak when they speak together, but they came to my HOME AWAY FROM HOME to do said speaking. Dan's Lakewood cafe, home of the world's smallest Clydesdales. An excellent de-compression chamber. When you get back from Saipan (whenever THAT is) you should stop by there. I'm sure I'll still be going there, plugging the laptop into the sub-standard outlet, drinking Cain's coffee (drink it if you're able) by the gallon.
I never said you were IOT--that was Dave.
And if I had Netscape instead of Explorer I'd attach a few pictures that you might get a kick out of.
 So there.